he's into me for everything am not, according to you.

i need to feel appreciated, like am not hated.
why can't you see me through his eyes?
it's too bad you're making me decide.


purely homo sapien.

ever since this very tiny twist of fate occurred, she had been everything but one crazy little girl expecting for nothing yet slightly hoping for 'something'..

lately, she constantly thinks of things she doesn't usually do. she randomly listens to whatever music she can find to soothe her mood. she found herself looking for music about lies, secrets, and uncertain romances (whether it turned out good or bad in the end). && it's pretty obvious that she's back to 'writing business' again because she knows this is the only time she can divert herself from the bitterness of reality and this is the time when she would rather keep the thoughts to herself than share it to anyone else. she hasn't done this for years so the feeling is a bit overwhelming, thus making her bother most of the time, thus leading her to random thoughts, thus making her want to listen to music that only the lyrics speak her vague, unsettling mind.

the irrefutable fact is that this battle is a 92% on its losing end yet ludicrous enough that part of her is still hoping for the oblivious 8.
this is another suicide mission for certain, but a fighter like her won't settle without her own battlefield setup. and every time she gives out a negative statement, she gets to have a 'but' in return. *no brainer*
so many butts again. jeeez! she doesn't want to ask for a sign cause that's just cliché but if anyone can suggest.. simply hit the comment box below && she'd be happy to reconsider. hihi :p [[mao nane! ne andar ang pagka hopeless romantic ne Mecerelc. maka buang sah?]]
she should quit right?
stop being a warrior for one fcukn second. yuhh ghurrl! want challenge pa? more adventure? this is what she gets! Hanging By A Moment ang show..

so after weeks of listening to random songs (she even dared to listen to those tracks that would totally make her nostalgic, worse.. but she had to, she has to. she needs to!), she found herself smiling as the words starts to make up her own world—the main theme of her current life experience— Human by Christina Perri. it has a very lucid lyrics but it's the experience that counts..

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
'Til I've had enough

'Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human



she spent years staying 4 steps ahead waiting && 2 steps behind watching— that is the key to her survival.
thirtieth of July will mark 3 years.. and she was able to keep herself intact. everyone has different techniques. [[mazel tov! this calls for celebration!]]
&& all these years did you really think she wasn't paying attention? she caught herself smiling again at what she imagine. she wonder what will happen the next time they will be together again.. and even though neither of them know what the future holds, she knew she just wants her story be told once life catches up on her. she's gonna tell you her story, but she is not going to start with, "once upon a time.."

for now, the characters of her life were mostly played by her, because she knew that no one else could be that bad of an actress.
let's hope for another 10 years at max.. that will take her to 36. hihi. this will prolly only makes sense to those who knew her && what she had been through..


The End of My July in the Rain..

he broke up with you, aiight? after telling you he loved you and calling you pet names like love && baby? yeah..i know he lavished you in compliments, only to put himself down xo you would stroke his fake low ego.
did he tell you that you were beautiful? i bet he promised you aloooot of things, or maybe he'd always mention how he was lying in bed && wished you were there.
he dragged "i love you" out of you, didnt he? yea, dont deny it.
he would talk to you last thing at night and first thing in the morning. he constantly mentioned losing sleep over you, every night, but we both know he slept like a rock.
he made you love pictures that were just sort of "bleh" before.

did you delete those pictures after he broke yar heart? yeah, me too..i did to only few of them. hihi >.<
all of yar friends hate him now, dont they? remember how happy they were for you? they warned you. just remember..it's okay to cry.
&& referring to him as "jerk" is perfectly expected. because, trust me..you'll end up talking about him just as often, if not more, than before the break up. there will be the "one time"s && the "i remember"s, and once you think ya'r over him, WATCH OUT!
you better keep yar eyes closed in the streets..because i promise you, the next time you see him..he'll be all over some other girl. a little part of you will want to warn her..but nobody will blame you for hating her && for blaming her for yar pain.
yea. you'll compare all guys to him..because aside from the man-whorish, heart-breaker thing, he WAS perfect. he WAS everything you had ever wanted, or maybe you made that up..maybe, the second he started to show interest..you made up this perfect guy in yar head..and he just happened to be just like him.

listen. you will find the perfect guy for you just like everybody says you will, and it will be soon. okay, xo i didnt believe it either, but am starting to.. n_n
the most important thing though is dont let him know he hurt you. dont let him know he could have you back in a heartbeat. dont give him that satisfaction. make him think you are completely happy. when he decides to wave at you like nothing ever happened, wave back, sure..but dont smile. make him think he meant as little to you, as you obviously meant to him. :j


Year Two

a long time ago, she was stuck on the pain brought by her past. but she was xo done wit tat..she welcomed her acceptance stage with open arms. DABDA eh? she knew anyways that she can be happy. she must be.
when she left for a good reason..she must admit, it was the toughest decision..ever! it did hurt. but part of her says it is for the best.

2 years now since she left, and thank goodness she is xooo over you. you actually gave her the freedom to find her own happiness. she loved you, she did. however, she cant imprison herself to the illusion of love..reality reminded her tat. now? she just have to content herself of knowing you are happy..&& somehow, it makes her smile knowing she made the right decision after all. n_n
moving on wit her life, she met amazing people who gave her strength. she met new friends, too..&& life was better!

after her visit from her homeland, Mantahan, she was asked by someone if she met you..&& if she wanna see you again. without a doubt, she said NEVER. yes, she never wanna see you..you didnt really have a formal closure, xo she cant expect anything if she'll see you..she might sh*t brick. hihi. but hey! nobody can deny the fact tat you will always be a part of her, no matter what.
thank you for entering her life. now she IS a better person. ü


welcome Karma wit open arms!

a friend of mine, whom i deeply care, poured out her emotions on her Facebook wall. and i know how she feels..we may not be in the same sad situation but in some way, i can relate to her. we once had a heart-to-heart talk about these things. she shared her story && i did mine. i may not know exactly how she feels..well, maybe close, but not exact—but i do understand her completely. xo here's the thing..

it's awkward, actually..but you can never please other people && do nothing except respect their space and decision. it's quite confusing at times && we may not know the reason why. i dont want to judge && make conclusive decisions..but as for now, what's on surface is what i see and believe first, && of course, the good intentions behind it. whatever the intention is..maybe it's good, maybe it's bad, no matter how we turn the tables around..it's irreversible that you have hurt the person.
well, karma has its way. what goes around, comes around they say.
maybe one day, someone would do the same to what you have done to tat person. yes, i have hurt the ones i love before..though unconsciously done..&& i accepted the karma behind it. well, it could be the same to the other, too..if he had hurt me, then like a boomerang, it would always come back to him. Golden rule is a Golden rule. it's unbreakable.

it's a good thing tat distance separated us..for us to grow fonder, to grow up to become a better person. maybe, just maybe, if one day we meet again [[i sure hope not]]..we'd be good as new. for now we've got to continue living. no matter how much the pain kills us [[though i doubt it]]..but pain is inevitable anyway. for now, we just have to grow up..&& hope for good.
ahh..good vibes! :p


because he has been a full-time friend..

why dya like to spend time wit me?

because you can do what no one else can..you make me feel like me. wit you, i dont have to put on a fake personality to try && fit in. if i find something funny when am wit you, i just laugh. if am being stupid, you'll tell me. if i trip && fall, you'll laugh..then help me up && give me a hug, which is exactly what i need [[remember?]]. if am upset, you'll ask me what's wrong && instead of letting me cry for hours about it, you'll say something tat makes me laugh && forget about being upset immediately [[no one else can do tat]]. wit you, i dont have to pretend to be someone am not..i can just be me && i love tat feeling! if am in trouble, you'd be there to help me through it. if i lose faith in myself, i know you have faith in me. when am wit you, it's just fun! i dont have to worry about being someone who knows everything, or someone tat's loud && hyper. i am just me!
&& i love spending time wit you because even though i have a lot of flaws && am far from perfect..you still accept me as me, which is something no one else does. awww.. ♥